this kitchen is closed, baby

I've had a link to Hanna Rosin's controversial article about breastfeeding in my inbox as a reminder to blog about it for almost a month now. Hearing her talk about the article on NPR earlier today reminded me to finally add my two cents. In short, of the two kinds of mail she's received in response, if I were to write to her I'd definitely be in the thank-you-for-writing-this-article camp. There's not much I can add to The Case Against Breastfeeding; you should read it if you haven't already. But as someone who had a tough time getting the hang of breastfeeding and then went to ridiculous lengths to keep doing so long after any logical person would have stopped, I could really relate to everything she writes. I've heard rumors that breastfeeding is actually effortless for some women and babies. I've never met these mom's but I'm sure they exist. For the rest of us, the pressure to breastfeed is intense and downright crazy-making.

It's strange, actually, to think back to a time when our lives literally revolved around breastfeeding. And I think this is probably the case the first couple of months whether it comes easily or not; feeding the baby is one of just a few activities one can do with a newborn. And they eat a lot. But your ability to breastfeed does not automatically make you a good mother, or vice versa. Breastmilk is not, in fact, liquid gold. I cringe now when I hear breastfeeding moms proudly refer to this particular bodily fluid in such a way. As for La Leche League, while I did get a lot of useful information from their website, and I'm sure they've helped scores of mothers who might have otherwise given up too early, I found their "leaders," at least the one in my area, to be inconsistently helpful. The woman I talked to was really supportive the first time I called but seemed downright annoyed when I called again a few days later. And ultimately, you can't solve a latching issue over the phone. Which is why we ended up going to a lactation consultant, one of the many reasons, for us at least, why breastfeeding is most definitely not free. And don't get me started on the hundreds of dollars I spent on nursing bras that never quite fit right, nursing tops that didn't really make me feel any more comfortable nursing in public, the second pillow we bought to replace the mostly useless Boppy, or the almost $300 breastpump we had to have the first couple of weeks while Elias and I learned how to, um, connect, etc., etc., etc.

I'm glad I was able to breastfeed Elias for the four months that I stuck it out, through nipple shields, pumping, supplementing, and two and a half months of the most efficient diet I've ever been on. But I'm also, in retrospect, really glad I weaned when I did. I forget that I had every intention of breastfeeding throughout the AAP's recommended first year, and perhaps beyond, until I'm around a breastfeeding mom with a baby the same age as Elias. It's times like those that I do feel a tiny bit sad that he's bottle-fed. But I have to admit that I'm kind of glad that weaning him is not something we have ahead of us, but rather a transition we've already experienced (infancy being one transition after another).

Which is not to say that formula is easy. Formula was a major drag initially, like, for example, the first time I had to feed Elias on the go after weaning and forgot to put the travel cap on the bottle I'd prepared and hadn't thought to bring any extra formula with me. There were two ounces left in the bottle when we got to our destination, right as Elias was ready for his second feeding of the day. The rest of the bottle had leaked out onto the Baby Bjorn that was between the diaper bag and the passenger seat. That was fun. But once I got the hang of mixing his formula in batches once or twice a day, always toting around more than enough in his diaper bag, etc., I do feel like it's a bit easier, at least for someone who never in reality felt like the carefree breastfeeder she imagined she'd be pre-baby.

When I think about having another child, there's no doubt in my mind that I'll try breastfeeding, and if all goes well, I'd love to do so exclusively as long as I'm at home with the little one. But after going through the breastfeeding drama with Elias, I'm not so sure I'll go to those kinds of lengths again to keep doing so should things not go so smoothly after the first month, or if I go back to work full-time sooner the second time around. I also really like the idea of someone else being able to feed him, which is actually something I struggled with when I was deciding whether or not to wean once we'd entered the four to six month range. I think being a mother has been challenging for me in that I've never felt so incompetent in my life and feeling incompetent and out of control is not a place I like to be for too long. Being able to breastfeed successfully, knowing that I was the sole provider of those first ten pounds of baby fat Elias gained by the time he reached four months, was really powerful but ultimately also really nerve-wracking. Letting Neal or someone else give him a bottle occasionally (say, in the middle of the night, perhaps) is incredibly liberating and reminds me that feeding the baby is just one of many things you need to do to be a good parent.

And anyway, we've since moved on to countless other bigger and better challenges things, like cows. We'll see if Elias can tolerate dairy in just a few weeks, just a month before he'll hopefully exchange the Neocate for cow's milk. It's amazing how fast that AAP recommended first year goes by, isn't it?