all business

It's late and I should really be headed to bed, but Neal and I just watched the documentary The Business of Being Born and I have to write a few words about it. Otherwise, I'll just lay in bed thinking about the film and re-processing my own birth experience. Actually, I'll probably do that anyway, but at least I can check blogging off my mental to-do list.

In a nutshell, in the end, the film was more balanced than I thought it was going to be after the first 15 minutes or so. Initially I took issue with what I sometimes sense is a confusion of the terms responsibility and control. We can educate ourselves about the process, our options, the percentage rates for various procedures, but at the end of the day, you really don't have complete control over how the experience will unfold (the director's own experience is a perfect example of this, and I'm glad they included it in the documentary). There was one interviewee in particular going on about love hormones and monkeys that I felt crossed a line. Obviously, just because your labor's been augmented or perhaps you had to have a c-section does not mean that you love your baby any less than the woman who labored without medical intervention, at home in her tub.

All that said, I couldn't help but think of my own birth experience and - I hesitate to use the word regret - the couple of things that stand out in my mind that I'd like, if possible, to do differently next time around. For example, having been given pitocin and, about 20 minutes later, an epidural, I really had no choice but to labor on my back in the lithotomy position. It didn't seem like the pushing process was necessarily hampered by being in this position, but, especially once our doctor lowered the bottom half of the bed in preparation for Elias's entrance, I not only couldn't really feel what was going on down there (although I could feel the contractions toward the end), I couldn't see anything either. Then, because they suspected meconium in the amniotic fluid, there was a bit of a delay - although I'm sure what felt like several minutes was mere seconds - in moving Elias up to where I could see and hold him. So, even though it never dawned on me the first time around, assuming any future births go as smoothly as the first, I'd definitely like to have a mirror on hand and will demand that that baby be plopped on my bare belly asap.

It's a powerful film and initially I thought, man, I'm glad I didn't watch this before giving birth. But I actually think it would a great thing to watch if you're expecting. As our awesome labor nurse said when I tearfully agreed to getting an epidural, there's no reward for a "normal" or "natural" birth. Beware of the righteous woman who leads you to believe otherwise. But watching a water birth take place at home is an amazing thing and it reminds me how incredible the process is, how much our bodies can endure, and that can indeed be pretty empowering.

Anyway, anytime I watch something like this, or spend an evening blogging about Elias or uploading pictures or video, it makes me want to go in and wake him up and "smoosh" him (a friend's term...I think it's a cross between squish and smooch). I'm sure he'll give me the opportunity at least once tonight.