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| 1 month |
As we approach this milestone (writing this on the eve of the one-year anniversary of her due date; she was, of course, 9 days late), I've been reflecting a lot on the transition from one kid to two which, I won't lie, was pretty rough at times. Things have definitely been more manageable over the past four or five months and now, of course, we seem to be moving at warp speed.
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| 2 months |
I look at Elias and for the first time in his 5 1/2 years I can honestly say I'd be totally content if time stopped now. Finally, when a stranger asks how old he is and their response is the usual, "Oh, what a fun age!" I can nod and agree. Which is not to say I haven't enjoyed him until now. I most definitely have. I've savored what's to savor about each stage. When we were in the thick of the shushing and the rocking with him, while maddening, especially at 2 am, I could appreciate the fact that at some point he would be too big physically to rock to sleep. But I've also always looked forward to the next chapter.
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| 3 months |
Indeed there were times, before Daphne came along, that I'd look at him and wonder how anyone had more than one kid. Seriously, how has the human race made it this far? But the fact is there are things about this parenting gig that get easier, or maybe just more enjoyable (and less physically exhausting), and before you know it biology kicks in and if there is any part of your sleep-deprived brain considering having more children, you're probably going to want to give it a go.
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| 4 months |
Enter Daphne. I knew I wanted another kid, but I wasn't so sure about the baby part. I had it pretty good before she came along, with Elias in preschool much of the week and my days more or less free to grow the business I started while I was home with him full-time during his first 18 months. I was sleeping pretty well most nights, so well that I purposely got up before dawn several mornings each week to train for a marathon. I enjoyed a few epic outings with my mama friends, confident that Neal could handle solo parenting for a day or even a weekend.
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| 5 months |
Having another baby, especially more than 4 1/2 years after my first, while absolutely something I wanted and planned and for which I am grateful every day, sent me screeching back to the starting point of all this motherhood stuff and it was a rough transition. People look at her now and comment on how happy and easy-going she is. And even in the thick of a major sleep regression (naps? who needs 'em! bedtime routine? no thanks! middle of the night wake-ups? yes, please!) I often feel like we hit the baby jackpot with her, especially once her sleep was under control (4 months, although she's never been a great napper) and she'd outgrown her reflux (8 months).
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| 6 months |
But newborns are newborns and the first four months of being a family of 4 was a serious adjustment period for us all, especially me. It's easy to look back and marvel at how quickly that time has passed, how it's all worth it, you know, how it's just a blip even in the first year of life, let alone an entire childhood. I recently started reading this book by Bryan Caplan - Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think. It doesn't make me want to have more kids necessarily, but it does help to ease some of my anxiety around the kids I already have!
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| 7 months |
But I didn't have this book before Daphne came along, or even during those first few months. I was stuck in the thick of it all, wiping up increasingly large and frequent puddles of spit-up, contemplating removing additional items from my diet for breastfeeding's sake, tempted by formula, holding Daphne for epic naps (I called them my "can't seem to put baby down kinda days") and feeling completely incapable of running a household, inefficient at parenting my other child, missing work, and ultimately wondering if I was suffering from postpartum depression with a capital PPD, or just having, as Neal put it one day around the 10 week mark, "a legitimate reaction to a crazy situation." In addition to getting a handle on sleep about six weeks later, the importance of which is something Caplan writes about quite a bit in his book, something that helped me get through this "crazy situation" was repeating four more things Neal wrote during that same smartphone "chat". Turns out my parenting partner in crime is pretty wise (shoot, he was dishing out pretty sound advice when baby #1 was just 8 weeks old - advice I revisited when baby #2 was around that age!) and I want to record these daily affirmations here because repeating them every day was truly helpful. Also, I don't want to forget how indeed "crazy" but also genuinely amazing and incredibly fleeting those first few months of a child's life can be (like the pregnant friends in Miranda July's film 'The Future' say, "it's a drag, but it's also amazing", or something like that...). Maybe they'll help another struggling mama scanning her iPhone while nursing a newborn at 3 am appreciate the moment but not get stuck there. Here they are:
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| 8 months |
1. It's temporary.
This advice is hardly new but demands repeating from time to time (and, for what it's worth, Neal sent me this key piece of advice via that 10-week email "chat" months before the same sentiment showed up on Huffington Post). Sarah Reinhart wrote a lovely article about "The Four Most Devastating and Uplifting Words" - in her case, she went with "this is only temporary." Frankly, I think the contracted two above suffice, especially since the devastating part can take years to sink in (read the part about the 5 1/2 year old again, above). When you're weathering another sleepless night with a cranky newborn, it's the uplifting part of "it's temporary" that will get you through. You can worry about the devastating side of that parenting coin later, when your baby starts Kindergarten, for example.
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| 9 months |
2. It's not 100% under your control (or even 50%).
You often hear about how having 3 kids is hard but 4 or 5 seems less stressful and this is why. It's like an optical illusion of parenting. How on earth can more kids seem easier? Because with each additional child, you relinquish a little more of that illusion of control. You never really had everything under control even with just one or two kids, but by the third baby it finally dawns on you that in order to survive, you're going to have to let go of this one. If you can master this one with baby #2 or even with your first kid, even better.
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| 10 months |
3. It's not your fault. You're a great, caring mom who is trying her best.
I attended a free weekly parenting group (technically a breastfeeding support group) offered by the hospital where Daphne was born from the time she was 4 weeks until about 7 months, when our insurance changed, and when I'd share my daily affirmations with a struggling mom attending for the first time, this is the one that got the tears flowing. This parenting gig is so challenging, especially, it seems, on new moms. Even once you get to daily affirmation #2 and you tell yourself the situation is mostly out of your control, somehow you still find ways to blame yourself. Mama guilt. It's something you did or didn't do during pregnancy, or maybe it's something you ate. Was it something you had two hours ago or eight? I mean, honestly, the list goes on and the cycle of mama guilt is maddening. I've heard otherwise rational women ponder the craziest of reasons why their babies are fussy, aren't nursing well, aren't sleeping well, but the fact is just by making it to "group" as I called it (definitely a little like therapy), and putting these questions out there, I could assure these new moms that they were good moms, doing their absolute best to get through an incredibly challenging experience. Don't fall into the martyr trap.
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| 11 months |
4. Find support.
Finally, Neal wrote something along the lines of, "you have my support to do whatever you need to do to cope." By simply listening and offering some really sound advice, I had the support of my husband to get through this. I'd often ask him, was I like this with Elias? I don't remember feeling like this with Elias. I'd freak out a little because I survived baby #1's infancy, obviously, but if Daphne was somehow different, somehow more challenging, how did I know I could get through it?? But Neal reassured me, in an odd way, that yes, I was just like this when my first was a newborn. I just don't remember. Ha! Things are indeed different the second time around, though, and that's why I think the support element was even more important but also a little more challenging. Because we have always had this other child to take care of, I haven't had as much of a break this time around. Neal is usually either working or busy with Elias. And since I decided to take the entire first year off, our budget has been pretty tight. There's not a lot of wiggle room for a nanny, a babysitter, or a mother's helper. Nor do we have any family members nearby who might stop by in a pinch or provide me with a regular break. Hopefully your situation is different and you have more resources, either family or financial, to seek out the support you will need to get through this. When people offer help, take it. And if you can afford it, outsource. Hire a housekeeper, even temporarily. Stock up on heat-and-serve dinners at Costco. Seek out a mother's helper so you can "turn off" for a few hours each week, and fall back on your family as much as you can. In the end our idea to hire a babysitter once a week when Daphne hit the 7-month mark fell through for various reasons, and we've muddled through (Daphne starts part-time daycare in less than two weeks!), but we did hire a guy to do yard work once a month and that alone saved a little of our sanity. Returning home with both kids to a front yard that looked reasonably tidy was a lifesaver at times. Entering a messy kitchen and beyond was another story but we survived. Work with what you have, outsource what you can, and don't feel guilty for doing so.
Now, back to planning baby #2's 1st birthday bash because, yes, we'll be celebrating that milestone!
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