4 daily affirmations for surviving baby #2

And just like that, baby #2 is almost 1!

1 month

As we approach this milestone (writing this on the eve of the one-year anniversary of her due date; she was, of course, 9 days late), I've been reflecting a lot on the transition from one kid to two which, I won't lie, was pretty rough at times. Things have definitely been more manageable over the past four or five months and now, of course, we seem to be moving at warp speed.

2 months

I look at Elias and for the first time in his 5 1/2 years I can honestly say I'd be totally content if time stopped now. Finally, when a stranger asks how old he is and their response is the usual, "Oh, what a fun age!" I can nod and agree. Which is not to say I haven't enjoyed him until now. I most definitely have. I've savored what's to savor about each stage. When we were in the thick of the shushing and the rocking with him, while maddening, especially at 2 am, I could appreciate the fact that at some point he would be too big physically to rock to sleep. But I've also always looked forward to the next chapter.

3 months

Indeed there were times, before Daphne came along, that I'd look at him and wonder how anyone had more than one kid. Seriously, how has the human race made it this far? But the fact is there are things about this parenting gig that get easier, or maybe just more enjoyable (and less physically exhausting), and before you know it biology kicks in and if there is any part of your sleep-deprived brain considering having more children, you're probably going to want to give it a go.

4 months

Enter Daphne. I knew I wanted another kid, but I wasn't so sure about the baby part. I had it pretty good before she came along, with Elias in preschool much of the week and my days more or less free to grow the business I started while I was home with him full-time during his first 18 months. I was sleeping pretty well most nights, so well that I purposely got up before dawn several mornings each week to train for a marathon. I enjoyed a few epic outings with my mama friends, confident that Neal could handle solo parenting for a day or even a weekend.

5 months

Having another baby, especially more than 4 1/2 years after my first, while absolutely something I wanted and planned and for which I am grateful every day, sent me screeching back to the starting point of all this motherhood stuff and it was a rough transition. People look at her now and comment on how happy and easy-going she is. And even in the thick of a major sleep regression (naps? who needs 'em! bedtime routine? no thanks! middle of the night wake-ups? yes, please!) I often feel like we hit the baby jackpot with her, especially once her sleep was under control (4 months, although she's never been a great napper) and she'd outgrown her reflux (8 months).

6 months

But newborns are newborns and the first four months of being a family of 4 was a serious adjustment period for us all, especially me. It's easy to look back and marvel at how quickly that time has passed, how it's all worth it, you know, how it's just a blip even in the first year of life, let alone an entire childhood. I recently started reading this book by Bryan Caplan - Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think. It doesn't make me want to have more kids necessarily, but it does help to ease some of my anxiety around the kids I already have!

7 months

But I didn't have this book before Daphne came along, or even during those first few months. I was stuck in the thick of it all, wiping up increasingly large and frequent puddles of spit-up, contemplating removing additional items from my diet for breastfeeding's sake, tempted by formula, holding Daphne for epic naps (I called them my "can't seem to put baby down kinda days") and feeling completely incapable of running a household, inefficient at parenting my other child, missing work, and ultimately wondering if I was suffering from postpartum depression with a capital PPD, or just having, as Neal put it one day around the 10 week mark, "a legitimate reaction to a crazy situation." In addition to getting a handle on sleep about six weeks later, the importance of which is something Caplan writes about quite a bit in his book, something that helped me get through this "crazy situation" was repeating four more things Neal wrote during that same smartphone "chat". Turns out my parenting partner in crime is pretty wise (shoot, he was dishing out pretty sound advice when baby #1 was just 8 weeks old - advice I revisited when baby #2 was around that age!) and I want to record these daily affirmations here because repeating them every day was truly helpful. Also, I don't want to forget how indeed "crazy" but also genuinely amazing and incredibly fleeting those first few months of a child's life can be (like the pregnant friends in Miranda July's film 'The Future' say, "it's a drag, but it's also amazing", or something like that...). Maybe they'll help another struggling mama scanning her iPhone while nursing a newborn at 3 am appreciate the moment but not get stuck there. Here they are:

8 months

1. It's temporary.

This advice is hardly new but demands repeating from time to time (and, for what it's worth, Neal sent me this key piece of advice via that 10-week email "chat" months before the same sentiment showed up on Huffington Post). Sarah Reinhart wrote a lovely article about "The Four Most Devastating and Uplifting Words" - in her case, she went with "this is only temporary." Frankly, I think the contracted two above suffice, especially since the devastating part can take years to sink in (read the part about the 5 1/2 year old again, above). When you're weathering another sleepless night with a cranky newborn, it's the uplifting part of "it's temporary" that will get you through. You can worry about the devastating side of that parenting coin later, when your baby starts Kindergarten, for example.

9 months

2. It's not 100% under your control (or even 50%).

You often hear about how having 3 kids is hard but 4 or 5 seems less stressful and this is why. It's like an optical illusion of parenting. How on earth can more kids seem easier? Because with each additional child, you relinquish a little more of that illusion of control. You never really had everything under control even with just one or two kids, but by the third baby it finally dawns on you that in order to survive, you're going to have to let go of this one. If you can master this one with baby #2 or even with your first kid, even better.

10 months

3. It's not your fault. You're a great, caring mom who is trying her best.

I attended a free weekly parenting group (technically a breastfeeding support group) offered by the hospital where Daphne was born from the time she was 4 weeks until about 7 months, when our insurance changed, and when I'd share my daily affirmations with a struggling mom attending for the first time, this is the one that got the tears flowing. This parenting gig is so challenging, especially, it seems, on new moms. Even once you get to daily affirmation #2 and you tell yourself the situation is mostly out of your control, somehow you still find ways to blame yourself. Mama guilt. It's something you did or didn't do during pregnancy, or maybe it's something you ate. Was it something you had two hours ago or eight? I mean, honestly, the list goes on and the cycle of mama guilt is maddening. I've heard otherwise rational women ponder the craziest of reasons why their babies are fussy, aren't nursing well, aren't sleeping well, but the fact is just by making it to "group" as I called it (definitely a little like therapy), and putting these questions out there, I could assure these new moms that they were good moms, doing their absolute best to get through an incredibly challenging experience. Don't fall into the martyr trap.

11 months

4. Find support.

Finally, Neal wrote something along the lines of, "you have my support to do whatever you need to do to cope." By simply listening and offering some really sound advice, I had the support of my husband to get through this. I'd often ask him, was I like this with Elias? I don't remember feeling like this with Elias. I'd freak out a little because I survived baby #1's infancy, obviously, but if Daphne was somehow different, somehow more challenging, how did I know I could get through it?? But Neal reassured me, in an odd way, that yes, I was just like this when my first was a newborn. I just don't remember. Ha! Things are indeed different the second time around, though, and that's why I think the support element was even more important but also a little more challenging. Because we have always had this other child to take care of, I haven't had as much of a break this time around. Neal is usually either working or busy with Elias. And since I decided to take the entire first year off, our budget has been pretty tight. There's not a lot of wiggle room for a nanny, a babysitter, or a mother's helper. Nor do we have any family members nearby who might stop by in a pinch or provide me with a regular break. Hopefully your situation is different and you have more resources, either family or financial, to seek out the support you will need to get through this. When people offer help, take it. And if you can afford it, outsource. Hire a housekeeper, even temporarily. Stock up on heat-and-serve dinners at Costco. Seek out a mother's helper so you can "turn off" for a few hours each week, and fall back on your family as much as you can. In the end our idea to hire a babysitter once a week when Daphne hit the 7-month mark fell through for various reasons, and we've muddled through (Daphne starts part-time daycare in less than two weeks!), but we did hire a guy to do yard work once a month and that alone saved a little of our sanity. Returning home with both kids to a front yard that looked reasonably tidy was a lifesaver at times. Entering a messy kitchen and beyond was another story but we survived. Work with what you have, outsource what you can, and don't feel guilty for doing so.

Now, back to planning baby #2's 1st birthday bash because, yes, we'll be celebrating that milestone!

11 months

Before this baby turns 1 (!) let me post a few pics from her 11 month photo shoot.

Big brother "helping":

I think she's finally growing into those thighs a bit!

Other than the December/holiday update from last week, there's not a whole lot more to report from month 11. We seem to be racing full-speed ahead to the one-year mark and all that that brings for Daphne, including walking (which started right after the 11-month mark so it will have to wait until the official one-year update), weaning, transitioning to part-time daycare, and just generally beginning the transformation from baby into toddler. So it's hard to reflect back on the last six weeks and think of much else! I am working on a what did I learn the second time around kind of post, so stay tuned for that and of course first birthday shenanigans in less than two weeks!

holiday! celebrate!

Before we get any further into the new year, let me recap our Christmas 2013 celebration, also known as...the entire month of December! Like Halloween, it seems Christmas is celebrated in full force beginning the day after Thanksgiving. And I'm not just talking about the music you hear everywhere and decorations (what was up with people putting up their trees before Thanksgiving this year?) - there are so many things to do in our neck of the woods to celebrate the holidays in the days and weeks leading up to the 25th. This year I felt like we kept a pretty decent pace. Here's what we did:

We attempted to visit Santa and get some festive photo ops in as well (the fish eye lens was for our holiday card this year which I'll share just as soon as I have a chance to photograph it and add it to my shop), but Elias wanted to write him a letter this year instead.

I was a little bummed we never got a picture of Daphne with Santa but honestly, she probably wouldn't have been game anyway so no real loss there. We got our tree at Bayfair Mall in San Leandro again this year and let Daphne explore the indoor play area for the first time.

Miraculously, nobody got sick immediately after this outing (there was one winter a couple of years ago when I swear every time I took Elias there he'd come down with a stomach bug within a day or two).

Since we got our tree a bit earlier than usual this year, we celebrated what would be my Mom's birthday (and also happens to be Uncle Ryan's birthday) by visiting the Oakland Zoo Lights on December 11th.

Initially just Neal and Elias were going to go since it doesn't begin until 5:30 and I didn't want to rush the experience for the sake of getting Daphne back home to begin her bedtime routine. But in the end we decided to all go and I'm glad we did. Daphne rolled with it and it was a good excuse, cold as it was, to whip out big bro's old snowsuit from our Boston days.

And who had the meltdown in the end? Yep, not the baby. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

The following weekend Elias and I decorated out first gingerbread...thing. We attempted to make a train. Our royal icing flopped but Elias seemed to have a great time decorating, sampling, and contemplating what we might make next year (I think we left it at snowman, maybe incorporating gingerbread cake, or cake pops, if we're feeling really ambitious). If you're interested in reading more, you can check out the full report on my other, more crafty blog.

I got a second shot at making royal icing for the graham cracker houses Elias and his classmates decorated in school the last day before winter break. Much better second time around.

This, unfortunately, is how we started Elias's first real school break - down for the count with a stomach bug. The worst of it was over in about a day and a half and he was just about 100% by Christmas, but some of our holiday traditions were postponed in solidarity with the sick kid. Instead of our usual pizza on Christmas eve, we all enjoyed soup and crackers (and then had Round Table later in the week). Same for our usual Christmas morning cinnamon rolls; we had our basic breakfast that morning and saved the Grands for the day after.

But we did make it out to see the holiday lights at the Mormon Temple on Christmas eve. This was the first time for Daphne, of course, but the fifth time for the rest of us! It is truly one of my favorite holiday traditions since we moved back to Oakland.

An old tradition from my childhood (well, grades 4 through part of 8 and then part of 10 through graduation, anyway) in Germany that is now a new tradition of my little brood here is this wooden Christmas pyramid my Dad handed down to us during our road trip to Bend, Oregon this past summer. It brought back a lot of bittersweet memories, of our first Christmas in Germany when I was 10 and of my Mom's last the next year, just three days before she died. But like so many things once you have kids, this tradition has been given new life. I loved seeing Eli's reaction when it was lit and the heat from the flames made the windmill turn. Even Daphne made this funny vroom sound when it was in action.

Once again this year, we requested Christmas eve and morning be for our family only (with Grandma Joanne coming to visit later in the morning). Santa did not disappoint, with a skateboard, helmet, and pads for Elias (as requested, although he did not get the $300 Lego kit he also asked for), and LeapFrog Violet for Daphne. Little sister has her own "puppy pal" now, as we still call big bro's Scout. Elias got his "puppy pal" when he was about 17 months old and he continues to tote him around on occasion. Santa also brought the Boon stuffed animal pod in purple, like big bro's green one. But man, has that thing shrunk in the last 4 years?! The new version is much smaller than the original. Oh well.

Daphne was predictably a bit clueless/underwhelmed about and by what was going on but Elias was for perhaps the first time fully into tearing open gifts, not all that interested in pausing for breakfast, and eager to get through everything as quickly as possible.

I think this picture says it all, with Daphne putting everything in her mouth and a blur of a big brother zooming by in the background.

I can't remember exactly what we did between opening gifts and dinner - probably a variation on the norm, which is to try to simultaneously get Daphne to take the two naps she needs while somehow using up all of Elias's endless energy.

For dinner we bucked tradition once again this year and had tamales from Cactus Taqueria, supplemented with the usual sides and chocolate cupcakes with caramel filling and a most delicious spicy cinnamon frosting.

Grandma Joanne stayed an extra day while Neal went back to work. Daphne was beginning what continues to be a roller-coaster ride of a sleep regression (more about that in her 11 month update coming soon!), first affecting daytime naps. I thought she might be ready to begin the long, slow, painful process of consolidating her two naps into one so instead of putting her down for her morning nap, we met up with some school buddies at a local playground instead.

She ended up falling asleep nursing before lunch, and amazingly stayed asleep when I transferred her to her crib but only slept about 45 minutes more. So my effort to get one long, mid-day nap resulted in a very short nap that ended way too early. Needless to say, it was a long day.

On Friday, we said goodbye to Grandma and attempted to get ready for our road trip to Escondido to visit Uncle Ryan and his family.

Kids, don't try this at home. She is actually fully strapped in but somehow still manages to turn herself completely around. And you know how these babies are - once they figure out they can do a trick like this they do it every time.

On Saturday, we began week two of winter break with a family road trip down south. Where to begin? This drive typically takes us 8 to 9 hours, even when Elias was not much older than Daphne is now. But between uncoordinated kids' needs, taking too long at too many stops, and an accident that had us completely stopped on I-5 for almost an hour, the drive took 12 hours.

11 months is an odd time to travel. She's still nursing but also eating snacks and meals so that's a lot of stopping (and I don't really trust her to have a snack in her rear-facing car seat). She's also still too young to be entertained for very long by any of the tricks we use with Elias (iPad, Leapster, music, movies, etc.). And she's not a great on-the-go napper. Neither was Elias. Needless to say, while I'm glad we went, we aren't planning any more long road trips until Daphne is forward-facing, can be trusted with a snack on the go, and can be entertained for at least 20 minutes by something other than one of us. I'm not sure when that will be but in the meantime, we're hoping to meet folks in the middle to avoid these long car rides and airplane flights to see our scattered family.

But backing up a bit, while I ended up staying at Uncle Ryan's house with Daphne a couple of the days we were there so the older kids could get out of the house for a longer stretch (not to mention the fact that their youngest was typically ready for a nap right in the middle of Daphne's two naps - talk about uncoordinated!), highlights included their local playground for some much-needed outside time, a small Children's Museum in Escondido, a larger Children's Museum in San Diego (so close to Donut Bar but sadly, I wasn't able to swing a detour), ringing in the New Year with an east coast 9 pm ball drop viewing for the three older kids, and the San Diego Zoo Safari Park, which is conveniently located just a few minutes from their house.

The trip ended on a not-so-great note with cousin Maddie breaking her arm during a fall from one of the play structures in the Safari Park - we were able to stay with cousin Zach for the 7+ hours Uncle Ryan and Aunt Kelly were at the emergency room with Maddie. But everyone was patched up by the time we hit the road again on Thursday morning, making the drive back in just 10 hours! Better than 12 but still too long.

Anyway, 10-12 hours is a lot of time in the car, a lot of time to reflect on the year and the holidays and the trip. When asked what his favorite part of the trip was, Elias replied with riding his scooter in the street since they live on a cul-de-sac in a gated community. It's funny the things kids enjoy about traveling and staying in new places. This is also the second time Elias has been really bummed to return home. He loved having a bigger house to run around in, buddies to run around with, and again, the novelty of playing in the street. At some point he'll appreciate the diversity of Oakland and the cultural opportunities of the Bay Area and stuff, right??